December is here.

Dear Jaspreet, 
 
Just an update of stuff. This blog has seemed to become a place to collect mush and virtual dust. Hehe. There have been so many things going on in the real world, and with the holidays here, I'm busier than ever being out there enjoying my life.

Life with my nugget is wonderful, and he has set me up for a some fake proposals, all very well done to throw me off guard! Hahaha. But it is all well, because he knows, and I know, that there really isn't anyone else I'd want to be with.

He is my once in a lifetime, and this is something that I would hold on to, and cherish. He brings out the better half of me, and loves even the parts that I hate. He listens when I can't speak, and talks to me when I need to listen. It may be early to say, but I knew, even before this, that he was to be someone I'd have a great affinity with (cheesy as it sounds). 

I wear our rings (yes. I am actually finally doing couply things. You can laugh now. But please don't laugh so loud. Thanks.) because I have never been more sure of anyone. Yes. I did just say that. Don't laugh. Hehe.

This holiday, I baked an ombre cake, I made Earl grey tea cakes, I've gotten the ring that I wanted, I help my dad with the business, I've been showered with love from family and our friends (and of course the above mentioned sweetheart) and really. It has been amazing.

Of course, I miss you a lot, Jaspreet. I really wish you were here to be happy with us, and to share and bask in the happiness of the season.  Of everything,  actually. I was talking to Ching today, and she mentioned that I get sad when I talk about death, though for her, goodbyes are more difficult. It would be very safe to say that we both miss you a lot.

To me, death has been a goodbye to you. It has taken you away, and though sometimes I speak to you in my heart, I'm not sure if you can hear it, you know? It is, perhaps, the mind's way of putting myself to sleep at night; you can hear me, you are listening. But it doesn't feel the same. But it is difficult for me because I can't tell you and be sure you've heard it.  There aren't the two ticks like on whatsapp to tell me that my message has been delivered. It just feels incomplete at times. Yet, at others, there is no doubt the universe has sent the message, and you have received it with thanks.

Sometimes, among the living, we leave things unsaid, thinking that the other party will know and understand. Or maybe we feel that these words and feelings are best concealed in the heart, where whatever love and emotion you feel does not have to be expressed. It becomes a private little show, a private thought, something you hold on to when you feel like you are losing it, or it could even comfort you, knowing that you still have feelings, and that something still beats within you.

Jaspreet, I have tried to be the one to light up their lives. I have tried, but it is too immense a task to take upon myself, and this I see and understand now. I can't be the second in command.  No one expects me to, and I thank them for it.

B has helped (and is still helping) me while the others were finding strength and ways to deal with their pain and loss. I must say, they are amazing people and I love them immensely. We each have our own way, and it is good that we can be with each other as well.

For me, B has taken me out of the darkness, especially the times where I was drowning in so much sadness and pain that I could not control, and that I could not understand. But this is not why I love him.

I love him because he is a man of character, just like what I've always imagined my other half to be. Because he is kind, and he is love. Because he chose love, and because he is a wonderful man. A man. Real man okay. Not fake fake japalang one ok.

I try to spend a bit of every day thinking about you. Why only try? Because some days I don't have to try, that's why. Most days it is of how happy you would be, if you saw how much we all loved you, and how happy we are now. Your father, especially, misses you. Your whole family does. We were over at your place for Diwali this year, and azm broke a glass. Hah. Bet you would have laughed and rolled your eyes. Hehe. We love you, and hope that all is well with you. I'm sure they speak to you in their own way. Me.. I just blog and hope heaven has good wifi, cuz I'm not into burning stuff and all that.

Say hi to my Werwer, Tok and my brother for me, will you?

Till next time!

Love always,
Sarah.